need another drink. this is the easiest way
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
True strength comes from lack of pants
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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