We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize