Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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