I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
