My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
