yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
