Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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