Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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