I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
