Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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