Don't make out with my wife yet
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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