Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
