i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
