the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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