BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
