Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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