This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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