is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My room smells like vodka and shame
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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