I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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