Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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