What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
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