summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
