we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
