margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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