Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
