Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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