Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
