I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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