Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
