So drunk its hurt
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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