I wanna bring you to show and tell
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
