Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize