So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
