Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
