hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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