How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Randomize
