I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
it glows. i had to have it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
