Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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