guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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