I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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