do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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