I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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