The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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