when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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