i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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