I think I am morally bankrupt
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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