Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
