How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
