Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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