Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
