Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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