I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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