R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize