sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
