I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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