i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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