i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
